Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
