Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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