im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
