We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
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