I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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