Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Randomize