Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
