i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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