I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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