so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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