Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
