Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
