My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
