You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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