The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just found a bag of teeth...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
