You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My liver just had a heart attack.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
