First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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