My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
