I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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