Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Say something about gay babies.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
