Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
