apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
my poor anus
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
