So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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