I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
