do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
