What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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