we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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