Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
