last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
