apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
