non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
