My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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