masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
