dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
