Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
