why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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