My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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