You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
