UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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