He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
