When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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