it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
