What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
