oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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