So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my shit smells like andre
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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