Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
