Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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