I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
