sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
