Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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