He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
