She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
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