I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
40s are totally the cure
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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