guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
