Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
