Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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