I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
