there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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