you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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