my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
and you fell through a lawn chair
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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