There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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