I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
