I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
