I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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