Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
