Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
