im six kinds of drunk right now
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
