i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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