I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
